Copyright 2016 Bil Lepp
Let’s just say, hypothetically, a can of hairspray was running for President, giving a whole new meaning to Head of State.
Where does hairspray even come from? The answer to that question is a bit surprising. Hairspray is the child of insecticide. During WWII the military needed a way to effectively control mosquitoes to help prevent malaria. Bug spray in aerosol cans was developed. Somebody figured out after the war that hairspray could be delivered via aerosol cans and its popularity took off in the fifties and early sixties.
It was the bestselling beauty product through the fifties and sixties due to “updo” hairstyles. Sales declined in the late sixties because folks started wearing their hair down. Darn hippies. In the seventies hairspray declined further due to the environmentally devastating chemicals used in aerosols. Again, darn hippies. Then, interestingly, the product resurged in the eighties.
Hairspray isn’t designed as a propellant, but it is a volatile product. If you misuse hairspray it can be a dangerous weapon. Flames are a byproduct of misuse. Even if hypothetical Candidate Hairspray were to make the claim that he is not responsible if people misuse it, hairspray remains dangerous. All it takes is one hairspray devotee with a destructive bent and, blamo. Hairspray would be a weapons-grade candidate.
Hairspray flare-ups can be caused by escaping gas coming into contact with open flames or heat sources. A can of hairspray leaking even just a little gas can cause a conflagration.
“…a stored hairspray container can explode or catch fire under certain circumstances. A corroded hairspray can, for instance, may weaken at the seams until gases leak out of it, igniting when they make contact with a heat source,” explains ehow.com contributor William Norman. Thus, if Candidate Hairspray had any corrosive properties whatsoever, and if he wasn’t tight around the seams, and if he were in a heated environment, he could produce a fiery calamity.
The ingredients in hairspray are so highly volatile and flammable that they are ‘classically’ used as fuel in potato guns, states the author of the Hairspray Wikipedia page.
The potato gun is one of the most underrated inventions in the history of humankind. There is no better method to send a spud several hundred yards. As a child of the eighties I have seen the havoc hairspray can reap on both humans and the environment. Perhaps hairspray’s one noble use is potato propellant. But how many potatoes really need propelled, and what would the political value of potato hurling be?
What would Candidate Hairspray stand for? Hairspray is used to control unruly hair. Hairspray advertisements contain phrases such as “firm hold” or “strong hold.” Hairspray is designed to manipulate hair into maintaining a specific shape or form that will not be moved by wind or heat or humidity. Do we want a candidate that creates a firm hold on our political system? Or do we want a candidate who can change a little if political winds shift, a candidate that allows a little freedom?
Scientists and laypeople debate the effects hairspray has on the environment. EPA rules regulate the chemicals in hairspray to reduce its negative impact on the Ozone layer. But many people think that hairspray contributes to smog. Smog obscures the view, making things brown and hazy. Smog has also been linked to asthma and other lung problems. Asthma has been listed as the number one reason kids miss school. I doubt that hypothetical Candidate Hairspray would admit to deliberately trying to obscure the view and make it hard to breathe. Certainly Candidate Hairspray wouldn’t intentionally thwart education. Nonetheless, these are some of the side effects of hairspray.
No, I don’t think Candidate Hairspray would be a good candidate. I find myself gravitating towards the presidential candidates who seem to spend the least amount of time on their hair. This might seem a superficial position from which to judge a candidate, but come on, how many of us really base our votes on a true understanding of the issues?
On non-haircut days I reckon I spend a maximum of eight seconds on my hair. No blow drying, no product. After that I have plenty of time to address any problems that arise, both foreign and domestic.
The front runners of both parties are doing their part to keep the hairspray industry booming. Whether they use hairspray made by American or foreign workers I don’t know. In either case, neither of the front runners’ hairdos ever moves much. In summation, when the president gets under the rotors of Marine One I want to see hair move. I don’t want someone with Ken Doll hair running the country. It ain’t natural.