The boy: Homophobia and Arachnophobia aren’t phobias in the same way.
Me: Of course not. Nobody cares if spiders marry each other.
The worst part about tax season is that my accountant finds out how bad my eating habits are while on the road.
When I was a child I tried to dig a hole all the way to China. Tonight I’m going to try and scroll all the way to the bottom of Facebook.
Found this diagram in a sciencey magazine. Obviously they cater to the Nobel-elite.
Be the change you want to see in your pocket- Not Gandhi
Her-Go see if we have a can of re-fried beans.
Me-We do not. But we have pumpkin pie filling. Looks sorta the same. I’m helpful.
Me: The dog doesn’t leave dirty dishes in the sink. That’s one of the many reasons I like him better than you children.
Her: Have I told you this before?
Me: If you did I wasn’t listening.
The Girl:: Coffee doesn’t stunt your growth. I looked it up.
Me: You know what does stunt growth? Looking things up.
My Wife: It’s a Dell computer.
My Hilarious Daugjter: Adele? Does it sing Hello when you open it?
“I couldn’t find the women’s trash can.” My hilarious daughter.
Just spray a little of this in your beer and let it work its magic.