Garage Sale String Theory

We’re (NOT) having a garage sale next Saturday

By Bil Lepp
For the Sunday Gazette-Mail

We are having a garage sale next Saturday, but don’t get too excited. We’ve been having a garage sale next Saturday for about nine years now. Reasons it will turn out that we cannot have a garage sale next Saturday include:

•  It is not a good weekend for it.

•  We did not advertise soon enough.

•  Our garage’s atmosphere and ambiance are not conducive to a garage sale.

•  Migratory birds are unable to find enough to eat due to over-fishing of horseshoe crabs.

And my all-time favorite:

•  We have too much stuff in our garage to have a garage sale.

I did not graduate from the Wharton School with an MBA in Garage Sale String Theory, but I do believe that the main reason to have a garage sale is because you have too much junk in the garage.

I want to donate our excess stuff to the unfortunate people in our community who do not have enough stuff to contemplate their own chances of not having a garage sale next Saturday. We have enough stuff that several families could not have garage sales next Saturday. But we cannot donate the stuff because we are having a garage sale next Saturday. After the garage sale, I’ve been told, we can donate whatever is left over.

Truth is, it is not just our stuff accumulating in our garage. My wife’s friends have found out that we are having a garage sale next Saturday and they have brought their stuff to our garage so we can sell it for them in our garage sale next Saturday, which we are not having because we have too much stuff in our garage to have a garage sale because people keep bringing stuff for us to sell in our garage sale that we are having next Saturday.

This is the Great American Circle of Too Much Stuff.

Some would suggest we get a storage locker to store our extra stuff but that is just feeding the vacuum. I refuse to get a storage locker. If I move all of the stuff into a storage locker I guarantee our garage will fill up with fresh stuff, which I cannot donate because we are having a garage sale next Saturday. I have this theory that if I built a flat surface in the woods, and there was nobody around, my wife would come by and put stuff on it.

Also, renting a locker doesn’t solve the problem because not all the stuff in our garage is ours. Some of it belongs to my wife’s friends. It is bad enough that I have to store their stuff in our garage; I am certainly not going to pay to store their stuff in our storage locker. Furthermore, I cannot move all our stuff to a storage locker because the most convenient day to move all our stuff would be next Saturday, and I can’t do it next Saturday because we are having a garage sale.

Others would suggest I get a new wife, but that doesn’t solve the problem either. I love my wife and don’t want a different wife. Plus, if my wife and I split, I’ll bet you the profits of next Saturday’s garage sale that she would end up with the good stuff, and I would end up with the stuff in the garage.

In fact, I would end up with the stuff in the garage, and I would end up having to store it in a storage locker. And I refuse to rent a storage locker. Double furthermore, where would I find a new wife who doesn’t already have, and regularly acquire, stuff?

The house across the street from us has a yard. My wife suggested that we ask the neighbors if we could use their yard next Saturday to have a yard sale because the ambiance of their yard is far more conducive to a sale than the mood of our garage.

Unfortunately, before we could ask the neighbors, they moved. Before they moved they had a yard sale. A “Moving Sale,” to be exact.

New neighbors moved in. We were going to ask them if we could use their yard next Saturday, but before we asked them they upstaged us and had a yard sale. A “Moving Sale,” to be exact.

I don’t know if they really needed to move, or if they just wanted to spite us. The nerve of them, moving, just so they could have a yard sale after only living in that house for five years.

So, if you need me next Saturday, or the Saturday after that, or after that, forget it. We’re having a garage sale.

– See more at: http://www.wvgazettemail.com/life/20160410/write-your-own-column-were-not-having-a-garage-sale-next-saturday#sthash.QCvrFRpM.dpuf

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