Copyright Bil Lepp 2016
Remember Columbia House Record Club? Choose twelve albums for one cent, then promise to buy one album a month and start ruining your credit early? Looking at the presidential candidates reminds me of trying to pick the last six albums. Here’s how I compare the candidates to the bands of my youth.
Clinton: The Smiths A lot of people I knew loved The Smiths. A lot of really smart people. And I wanted to like The Smiths. I tried to like The Smiths. But Morrissey was just so morose. I was wrong every time I thought he was making a joke and I never got it when he did.
Cruz: Marilyn Manson Dude might be a genius, some people like him, but there is something fundamentally off-putting that keeps me from wanting to get involved. Or, if that’s too much, Van Halen with Sammy Hagar. Something just wrong about it.
Kasich: Lionel Richie He’s just too nice. I’m afraid he’ll pick Hall & Oats as his VP. Watching the debates I imagine in his head he’s signing
Is it me you’re looking for?
’cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven’t got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you
Hello! (By Lionel Richie)
Rubio: Heart When I hear the first riffs of most Heart songs I think, “Oh, I like this.” But after thirty or forty seconds I realize, “Oh, no I don’t.”
Sanders: Warren Zevon Catchy. Very smart. But ‘everyone’ has decided that the guy who sings Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner can’t be president. But it was so cool when Zevon played Prince’s Raspberry Beret on Letterman!
Trump: Warrant A lot of noise, a lot of hair. Lyrics such as
She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water such a sweet surprise…
Well, swingin’ on the front porch, swingin’ on the lawn
Swingin’ where we want ’cause there ain’t nobody home
Swingin’ to the left and swingin’ to the right
I think about baseball, swing all night,
Yeah, yeah, yeah (By Jani Lane)
It was a huge hit, but what the Hell?
All I know is, come next January, one of these people is going to start showing up in my mailbox and, month after, I’m probably going to be writing Return to Sender on the package.